I let her sleep now, even though it is late in the day, because it lets me have quiet. I fold laundry without her busy hands un-doing what I need did. I’ll pay for it later, but right now, [sigh] it’s worth it.
Often I don’t even know who I am anymore. What is scar, what is original skin?
Several nights in a row I have had this recurring dream: I smell something burning, and my husband points behind me at a flashlight underneath a blanket. Other nights I smell the burning and remember to go looking for the flashlight under blankets. I can see it on, glowing through the fabric. And I can smell it.
Could it be so literal, am I hiding this little light of mine under a bushel?
Why do I feel like the bushel is smothering not only my light, but also (and mostly) me?
It’s not like when I was in Sunday School and I held up my pointer finger and covered it, my other childish hand the small fingery bushel.
There are many days I feel that some big Giant Being plops down a big giant HEAVY bushel and squashes it right on top of me.
And then says: Be mom! Feed the baby! Sign this note! Lunch money is overdue! Buy the presents! Make dinner! Clean the house wash the clothes say your prayers pick up the pieces of every tiny thing that falls to the floor and from their mouths and from their eyes and from their hearts.
There was a time several years ago, at Christmastime to be exact, that we were in the hospital with my son Noah. The nurses brought him presents from underneath the big pediatric center’s Christmas tree while he remained attached to EEG monitors. Around that time a doctor told us our son might end up in an institution.
Noah is fine today*. He actually celebrates 5 years seizure-free this Christmas. I look back at that time and remember how I felt the Giant Being himself SITTING ON TOP OF MY CHEST, one time I even had the nurse check me over because I thought I was having a heart attack, right there in my son’s hospital room.
I was so strong then. At that time, I literally thought my life was about to be over, yet I don’t think my faith has ever been stronger. I spoke The Word. I breathed it and knew it in my heart.
And all I have is some bushel trouble right now?
I’m pushing back a little harder. I’m burning under here, and I’m breaking through. I can see it glowing through my fabric. And I can smell it.
*Praise God. All my praises to Him.
[I am thankful for the blessings my family personally received from The Children's Miracle Network and the Make A Wish Foundation. They are the real deal, people. If you can afford to include them in your Christmas Change, whether it's with your time, money, or gifts, a child and his family will be surely blessed. And so will you.]
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Hi! Enjoy your post and appreciate the information you share with us. You have a lifetime reader.
Terry
Oh Stephanie, this is beautiful, and such a good reminder. It’s too often we shine brightest during the hard times but lose a little light when things are okay, when things are busy. This was much needed before we head home for Christmas. Thank you.
Hi and thanks!
I enjoy reading your posts and have been meaning to tell you so here is a late Thanks! You have a lifetime reader here.
Terry
so so beautifully written. you certainly have a way with words…and i can you i really think the Lord is using your words to nudge others…myself included. thank you!
Oh, Steph. I can feel the weight in your words. Thank you for sharing this. It can be, at least for me, hard to talk or write openly about your faith and faith struggles, and I admire you for sharing. Merry Christmas, enjoy that little family of yours. xo Elizabeth
Wonderfully written. Thank you for sharing it. Beautiful picture of Ivy.
Thank you, all, so much.
Steph
Your writing always touches me (and sometimes hits me)–right when I need it…
Thanks for sharing your heart with so many.
I always love your posts, wherever they are. Your writing is so real so transparent and touches me where I need it too. Thank you for being so real. I join you in giving thanks for Noah being five years seizure free! Thanks awesome!
Stephanie, you have no idea how powerful you are! You were the powerful energy marshaling everyone else’s energy in healing Noah Maybe your dream is telling you that you are underestimating your power. The rest of us who know you, love you, read your wonderful blogs recognize the marvelous strength and power you have. Only you are the one who may not see it. Embrace it, even when folding clothes, and the other mundane appearing but extremely valuable aspects of the most important job of all – raising tomorrow’s future – your fantastic children.
steph, your little light shines every single day. all our lights are obscured at times by different things, but that you’re fighting for it and aware is the most important. you shine brighter than you know.
(and 5 years this Christmas?! love.)
Yep, it’s shining all right. I enjoyed this post–from start to finish- the real and the raw struggle to live everyday faith in everyday life.
Simply beautiful!
I love your transparency. This post is beautiful! Thank you.
this post moved me so much i had to write! so, i linked to it on my blog and wrote about what it had gotten me thinking. thank you again steph for being such a wonderful writer/blogger/inspirer.
The strongest thing a woman can offer her daughter is to be weak occassionally. To teach her daughter that strength isn’t constant but that it will always return. To show her how to struggle, even if it’s ungraceful so that she can learn how to recover. And to be honest about real emotions so that she doesn’t fear them.
God Bless.
What a beautiful story. You have tremendous strength and help others on a daily basis. You actually make me want to be a more selfless mother, because it is so clear that you give so much each day.
Amy
I’ve been feeling much like you for quite some time. And it’s suffocating sometimes. Very authentic and transparent post.
Nell
First, I’ve been singing “This little light of mine” all week, and don’t mind having it stuck in my head…
Second, this was just a wonderful read Steph. Thank you.
I pray that we all shine a little brighter in this new year – for HIM!
I think this post is exactly what I needed to read tonight. After I put my two little angels to bed tonight I was ready to pass out myself. Your post is a good reminder to embrace the beautiful chaos that our children bring in our lives and be grateful for having our little angels in our lives.
Just makes me want to run up stairs and sneak in their rooms for one last kiss and glance at what Heaven has gifted me with.
Happy holidays to you and congrats on the 5 year mark with Noah!
~ Courtney
http://www.tableof4please.com
“pick up the pieces of every tiny thing that falls to the floor and from their mouths and from their eyes and from their hearts.”
and we weren’t prepared , but we do it , sometimes better than others, but never alone.
What an incredible post.
You are such a poignant writer. Your beautifully crafted words take me on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. The picture you paint allows me a window into your world, which, strangely, looks quite familiar indeed.
Beautiful post my friend.